A decade ago this month I began a 10-year odyssey that began with one, of many, life changing decisions; most of which resulted in the opposite of what I intended for both my financial and personal well-being.

Instead of dwelling on “Why me? Why me?”, I grasped (in a strangle-hold) the viewpoint that life presents lessons. Until we learn the lesson life continues to present the challenge. Well, for the last 10 years there were a couple of lessons life was determined that I learn – and evidently I am was a slow learner.

On January 18 I knew I was moving back to Texas. I didn’t “decide” to move back to Texas. I knew it was the right thing. For the last 4 years, since the collapse of another marriage, I’ve struggled with the decision to stay in Maine or move back home to Texas. With the husband now and ex-husband I had no family within 2000 miles. But I did have a couple of dear, close friends, several acquaintance friends and a business with which I had a co-dependent love-hate relationship. I knew decided to stay in Maine, building a life of my own and my business in Maine.

I love Lobsters. Really.

Maine is a fabulously beautiful place. I love Maine.  I love the rugged beaches, the lighthouses, the lobster, the mountains and the clean air.

I love Portland, ME. I love the restaurants, I love the creative people and businesses and the fact that you can leave your house at 8:00 for PWM, arrive, park, go through security, grab a coffee and still have an hour before your 9:45 departure.

I love Maine. I also love my parents and my sister and brother.  I exaggerated earlier. I did have family within 2000 miles of Maine – 1841 miles to be exact. Still, 1841 miles is a hell of a long way.  Last fall I decided knew I needed to spend some time with my folks so arranged to be away and spend a couple of months in Texas over the holidays. A few weeks later preparing for a client call, I picked up a notebook to jot out a list of ‘to-dos’ and what came off the end of my pen was

I knew. I didn’t decide. I knew.

Wednesday a dear friend Suzanne (who is, by the way, going waaaay beyond the call of friendship duty) and I fly to Portland to sort, toss, pack and drive my worldly belongings back home to Texas.  (Can you say GIRL ROAD TRIP~!!!??)

The lesson?  I’ve been trying to put it into words. I’m not sure it’s possible. I’m not sure it’s a single lesson but an outlook. I’ve felt so unconnected for the past several years; like I had no roots. But I realized I do have roots and I’ve had them all along – just shallow and spread out over a lot of places and distance. I don’t need to grow new roots or find new places. I need to focus on the solid, strong roots I already have.

Those are in Texas. I know that’s right.

Pablo, the Traveling Dog

It’s cold, windy, rainy and actually a bit warmer in Portland, ME than where I’m heading. That will change though because on Thursday I’m packing up the new, foxy Rav4, the Littlest Pablo, and Skully the cockatiel and we are hitting the road for Big D. It’s a holiday, family and work kinda trip that will keep me busy (and warm) through January.

Ever since I started my business, Bold Vision Consulting – now Bold Vision Marketing – I wanted to create a service model that didn’t require a specific geographic base. Have laptop (iPhone, Flip Video, GPS, etc. etc.) will travel – and work. So here’s the 1st real test of this model. Leaving behind tenants, clients and friends for a couple of months – at least IRL. Virtually, I’m staying connected baby.  If you want to follow along on the trip (aka: my test) I’ll be posting here and on the Big BOLD Road Trip Facebook group (http://on.fb.me/BigBoldRoadTrip) .

Here’s the route, at least as it stands today. Wish me luck, good road conditions and good gas mileage. Wish the Littlest Pablo good luck too. I’m off now in search of doggie-downers.

View Larger Map

It’s a Wonderful Life.  There was a period – a decade, perhaps – where I watched Mr. Bailey wrestle with his demons and Clarence a few times a year. Last night was the first time I’ve seen it in a while. It was the original b/w version, too, which made it even better.

Watching the movie again.

The familiar is comforting. Even though we know the ending, we still spend our time watching again and again. It’s a Wonderful Life is a good, uplifting, harking-back-to-a-simpler-time story. What about the ‘stories’ that don’t have a positive ending – that leave us worn down, depleted? Why is it we keep watching    …living those as well?

I’m about to hit the road for another BIG BOLD road trip, this one a 6+ week trip to Dallas visiting family for the holidays and doing a bit of work as well. The packing is underway and I ran across old journal of mine from 1990. I had just gotten a divorce, sold a house, taken a road trip…

“Fear, sadness, lost dreams, new beginnings, anticipation of tomorrow, good friends…”

20 years later – so much has changed yet so much is still the same… Is it the same movie or the sequel?

Damn. I hate it when that happens.

What a difference a day makes.  100 days can really turn your world around. Or not.

House sold. Mother turned 80. I moved.

Car messed up: Replaced the tires, rear struts & another something-or-other on the car. Heater messed up: Replaced the thermostatic something, the gas valve something and another something-or-other on the furnace. Car messed up again: Refused to replace the transmission. Leased new car.

Bottom line: the (new) car runs, the house is warm and I only have 1 mortgage to pay. It’s been a wild year decade. Every month year that goes by I think back at all that’s happened; all I’ve experienced and learned. Hindsight can be a wonderful teacher if we only let it. Please, God. Let me let it.

My Mom

Mom is turning 80 this October 22.

8 – oh.

20 years – 4 times. Eighty.

Seriously? How did THAT happen?

A few years ago my work took me to New York. I left everyone and everything in Texas. I was 41. Mom was 68.

It seems like yesterday. I’ve been away from “home” for 12 years. I enjoyed a wild ride in New York, fell in love, fell out of love, moved to Maine (not in that order) and now whoosh! – 12 years has gone by.  I’ve always been sure of doing the right thing. Following my intuition; listening to my gut feeling has never failed me – I think. Now I’m wavering a bit and am not sure if it’s gut or fear or a bit of both.

I’ll be putting my Willard Beach house on the market and moving out next month.

The business I’ve built and the work I’ve become known for has become less challenging and less rewarding on a few levels.

Not only is Mom 12 years older, I am 12 years older. Still single. Still ready for the next adventure.

Wondering what that is.

Kids can go nude - but not hungry on Willard Beach.

Such a response I’ve gotten from my last post!

Wow. I’ve gone back and reread the thing twice now and am still amazed. It really struck a cord.

First, let me say I am NOT sad, depressed or anything other than prepared. (I love you Uncle Bill. Really – I’m fine! )

and

Second, I didn’t, and don’t want to communicate anything other than

a) shit happens and

b) you do your best and forget the rest.

There are thousands and thousands who are in REAL difficulty.    ***Non Sequitur Alert***
I just returned from a meeting with John Woods, the new chair of Maine’s Share Our Strength organization. I am SHOCKED at how many children in Maine (and the US in general) rely on the school systems for their food. Last week was Spring break in the Maine public school system and it is heartbreaking to hear that many kids had next to nothing to eat until this Monday when school opened again.

By the end of this year over 17 million children will worry about where their next meal will come from. That is ONE out of EVERY FOUR children… We are among the wealthiest, most generous people on earth. This is just NOT acceptable. A five year old going to bed hungry. THAT is real difficulty.

I thank everyone for your well wishes and atta-girls. I love you all. Whether I live in this little house a block away from my Willard Beach or the littlest Pablo and I have to take a 10 minute drive in the morning – you’ll get the morning beach pics. And I’ll not go to bed hungry. I’ll be donating my time to Share Our Strength Maine and if I’m as good as “they” say – there will be fewer children going to bed hungry because of it.

I’m one of the luckiest people I know.

(Check out the Share Our Strength link to see what we’re doing in Southern Maine. I’ll let you know more ways you can participate – help – donate – rattle the cages soon. If you want more info or share a story before then, lmk.)

My beautiful spot on (really, really close to) Willard Beach. It is the best of times – It is the worst of times.

Moonrise on Willard Beach (courtesy of Elizabeth Isele - Teddy & Argyle's mom)

For those of you who follow me on Twitter (http://twitter.com/lynnelle) and Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/lynnelle) you’re familiar with “my” Willard Beach. I’m walking the beach with the littlest Pablo most mornings and sharing a picture or two when I do. It’s a magnificent spot and I’ve been lucky enough to call it home for almost 7 years now.

It’s a brilliant property, not because of the house but because of the lot. In fact I really don’t like the house very much. I’m a block off Willard Beach in South Portland. The lot is a quarter acre, which would support a very nice size home. Many people around have already added on or rebuilt so the area is on an upswing. I’m, by far, one of the least expensive properties around – with one of the nicest lots.

Unfortunately, as lucky as I’ve been and as beautiful as it is, it is an expensive place to be. PLUS: the City of South Portland is talking about raising property taxes AGAIN, this time 1.5% more. That will put the property taxes on this tiny (1000 SF) little house at well over $4000. This has sent me over the edge. I’ve been able to justify taking money out of my 401(k) to stay there for the last couple of years (since the divorce) but I can’t hide from the grim reality anymore. I just can’t afford it.

I can’t afford it. I can’t rent it out at a rate that will cover the mortgage (& second mortgage) payment and, given the current banking environment (not to mention my own personal financial situation) I can’t refinance it at a lower rate to bring my payments down. At least I can’t get refinancing through traditional channels. So that’s why I decided to suck it up and send a proposal to my friend, Raymond.

I love Raymond. I have for 30 years. Raymond and I have dated on and off …for (gasp) 30  years. Unfortunately I kept marrying (and then divorcing) other men… but that’s another blog post. Raymond made his mark in the Texas real estate market and was one of the tough, true real estate investors who didn’t run out on their investments or their investors. He fought long (years and years) and  hard with the FDIC, FSLIC, banks, IRS, and anyone else who tried to kill him off during those awful years in the late 80′s / early 90′s real estate hell. He came out the other side bruised and battered, but he came out and so did his reputation.

As uncomfortable as it is, I’ve make a proposal to Raymond to refinance my house for a 3-5 year period for monthly payments plus a percentage of the equity in 3-5 years or when I refinance / sell the property, whatever comes first. Why am I swallowing my pride like this? Because of the advice he gave me earlier this year, which was to do whatever I could to keep the property. Ok, Raymond. Here I am. Doing whatever I can to keep my house.

Not sure this is what he meant. But, stay tuned. I’ll keep you posted.

Alright, so the headline is less than flattering, but that’s sort of what it felt like. As I look back, I suppose that’s why my last entry on the subject was before SxSW even got rolling on Day 1.

Attending SxSW Interactive was a wonderful experience, don’t get me wrong. I learned a lot and one thing I learned is that SxSW is not for me. There are a number of reasons – and no, the fact that I am an ‘elder’ is not one of them, thank you very much. The things I learned from going to SxSW or that were reinforced include…

1. I’m smart. I may not be the smartest person in the room, but I’m smart and I ‘get it’.
2. I can rise to the occasion, schmooze, network, and cajole with the best of ‘em. If there’s a goal and an objective – great. If not – I’m over it and I’m going home. I don’t like it. Been there. Done that.
3. My definition of ‘friend’ isn’t the same as a lot of people’s definition.
4. The experience of my 50-something years, and the confidence that comes with it, is a blessing;, at least the times when confidence actually DOES come with it.
5. Chris Brogan is a really good person. Even though I don’t get his music he’s one of the few big dogs I know who I’d like to know better and to call my friend.  (I didn’t change Chris’ name here because – well, I hope this doesn’t hurt his feelings of embarrass him. If so, disregard #1 above.)
6. I could live in Austin. At least I could live in Austin in March. Ask me again in August.
   and so why the “meat market” ?
7. From morning until night there was the constant undercurrent – a chess play for being at the “right place” at the “right time” with the “right people” -  the best, the in, the “it” place / party. I don’t care about hanging with the big dogs or gossiping about the big dogs or hanging with those who do. I don’t need to go to the wicked, coolest happeningest, parties – in fact I don’t need to go to any party at all. (Good thing – I bagged them all.) I’m wicked cool and happening no matter where I am. (Well, at the dentist’s office that statement may be a stretch, but work with me on this.)

If I were 25 years younger would I feel differently? Probably not.

But, I wouldn’t admit it.

Working on Transparency

Here we go boys and girls.

I had a good “talking-to” with myself about this blog last night. If I’m going to do it – I need to do it right. By “right”, I mean don’t hold back.

Me – Me – Me. Whether you do or don’t know. Whether you do or don’t approve. It’s all the same me. Just your perception changes, not “me”.

Besides, how selfish and egotistical am I to be so concerned about “me”, and not you? What if we know each other and something I say, think or do – and report here hurts your feelings or embarrasses you? That’s totally. Not. Cool. I won’t do that – at least not on purpose.

So here’s the deal.

1. I WILL do this right. It may get off to a slow start in the TOTAL transparency department. I’m a private person. At the same time, I don’t have much to hide …not much. So, I won’t hide much …not much. and
2. Most names will be changed to protect …primarily the innocent. The rest of you – just because I’m a stand-up kinda person and it’s the right thing to do. If you know me and are concerned – here’s your chance to voice your opinion. I’ll appreciate it if you’ll voice you opinion here, in the open, on this blog. Otherwise, send me an email. Lynnelle at Lynnelle dot com.

In the meantime, Jeff (aka IP for those of you in-the-know) is sending countless IM’s on Google. Now that I’ve finished this post I’ll see what he’s doing. Clearly he isn’t in town. He tends to call or “pop in” when he’s on a trip and hasn’t much better to do.  My guess Jeff is somewhere a) unexciting, b) exciting but it’s the middle of the night there and there’s nothing to do (he flies the international routes), or c) he’s somewhere for his annual training. Pilots. pffft.

Jeff, I love ya, baby – but it would be nice if you made it a little less obvious that our friendship was based on when you had nothing better to do…  But, I accept that we should love people for who they are – not who you want them to be.

Just sayin’.

Pablo, the Traveling Dog

One month. Over one month. I feel like Bobby Ewing – was it real …or all a dream?

It was a wonderful month. As time passes, that month+ gets better and better. I’m wondering if that’s because I’m romanticizing or if it’s all just settling in. I’ll go with the later.

Pablo and I covered a lot of ground between March 1 and April 8, when I rolled back into my driveway at on Myrtle Avenue – at 10:50 p.m.  - 4526 miles to be exact. (An average of 29.5 mpg, fyi. Not bad for a 2000 Saab 9.5 with, now, over 103,000  miles)

The littlest Pablo did fine, also. I wasn’t so sure after the first couple of days, but he did settle down and got into his “dog riding in the car” groove.

Over the next couple of weeks I’ll post some observations, recollections and declarations about the journey. Until then – it’s nice to be back. I’d rather be traveling… but it’s nice to be back.

PS – My car is is back in the shop… the new exhaust system is its reward for doing such a good job. Review on THIS auto ordeal to come.